I am writing this from a different outlet; my notes on my phone in which I have never done before as a blog I would post; however, as I am laying in bed exhausted from reading parts of Pelosi’s 1,119 page bill that is extreme and disgusting, I find myself too weak to walk to my desk to formally sit down and type away. Therefore, here I am with my phone in hand wording the thoughts that my heart so wishes to transcribe. I am also posting this quite early in the morning; minutes after one am, but due to my sleeping schedule being a little off caliber due to a lot of factors, I am taking this time to write the words the Lord lays upon my heart during this time of need.
As you can tell, I have been absent in writing for two weeks due to the flood of news surrounding COVD-19 and politics; however, I now find myself at a stand still tonight as the news of the day simmers down into an nasty aftertaste that leaves me wondering if today truly happened in regards of the political corruption of Pelosi. Did today truly become a day filled with corruption and political agendas? Did today truly become a day where I wondered about the sanity humanity? Is all of the insanity just a dream or am I actually living in reality?
The truth of the matter, is that it is all reality; every single part of the picture whether we like it or not. As of now, we are all stuck in the so called “social distancing” as America braces for whatever the future might hold, which has left small businesses crippled with fear of the unknown. As we speak, America is all in the same boat, regardless of your job or affiliation; we are all stuck where we are at.
Due to social distancing, I have been given ample time to figure many things out such as digging deeper into God’s Word, learning new piano tricks, writing, art, and increasing my love for baking and cooking, especially homemade bread; however, I learned something through it all that God has been trying to teach me, and that is the answers to His two most asked questions.
If I must confess, for a few months now my most asked question would be, “God, where are you,” and yet the other night, the Lord finally answered that as I was laying in bed tired after a day filled with overthinking and anxiety. Personally, I am an overthinker, and one thought can turn into another thought, and then that thought can then turn into ten new thoughts. My overthinking has been the downfall of my peace in many situations, which has lead to many sleepless nights, heaviness, and many times where I would just cry as the night stood still.
The other night was one of those nights. With the world in full panic in regards to groceries and toilet paper, with corrupt politics, and with a personal spiritual battle that I have been battling for a few months now, I found myself weighed down to the point where breathing felt impassible. Drowning is the word I use to describe it, for it felt as if I was in the midst of a dark sea being tossed around by a storm that sought to kill whatever laid in its path.
With each wave, it felt like a new threat to take my breath away, and with each thought, worry and anxious fear, I felt myself being pulled down further into the dark abyss that sought to swallow me whole; that is what my life has felt like as I have yearned to trust God in the midst of suffering and uncertainty.
However, the Lord has been laying both a verse and a message on my heart over and over again through various outlets; do not fear, my daughter, but trust in me. The Lord has been using various people, social media’s, and verses to show me that He is bigger than my fears, mightier than the waves, and is more powerful than any stormy sea, yet here I was here questioning and wondering where He was. As the Lord began to show me these things, the Lord has been using a verse that He has used many times within this phase of life: Isaiah 43:19.
“Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19
Though I have only made mention to it a few times, I have been walking a serious wilderness season to the promises of the Lord. Before we are ever able to walk into the promise land, we must all walk a wilderness season to becoming refined, for if we are not refined before the promise, then the promise can become a cure due to lack of refinement and spiritual growth. Therefore, the Lord has been tuning my spirit to sing His grace while refining me through the fire, which has been painful, yet refreshing at the same time. Throughout the refining and wilderness, the Lord would always bring the verse Isaiah to my heart when wondering when the wilderness would in, which says, “I will make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
For the past few days, the Lord has been laying that on my heart through many forms and outputs to the point where I was unable to escape it; therefore, I laid myself down to the throne of grace while humbling myself to His glory. As I humbled myself before His throne, it began to hit me; how stupid of I to question the grace that surpasses all understanding, and how stupid of I to question an all knowing God who thinks thoughts of hope towards me and not of evil. However, as I laid at His feet, he finally revealed the smart to me.
The answer I yearned for,
The answer I begged for,
The answer that we all ask at least one, “God where are you, and what are you doing,” and He showed me the answer through none other than Billy graham and the book of Habakkuk.
“Who made heaven and earth,
The sea, and all that is in them;
Who keeps truth forever,” Psalm 23:5
If you’ve been reading for awhile, then you know that Habakkuk means a lot to my heart and soul due to the words the Lord has whispered into my life from that book, and though I am keeping what He has said secret for now, when the Lord brings Habakkuk to my mind, it is very passionate and heartfelt, for I know what He is referring too. Within the sermon, Graham made mention to how Habakkuk asked God, “Where are you doing,” and God replied with, “Even if I told you what I was doing, you wouldn’t believe it.”
Guilt began to wash over me, for I knew it was true. Even if the Lord told us, “I am right here” or even if He told us exactly what He was doing, our human flesh would still have that piece of doubt creep in, and that was what God was showing me. The entire part of faith is believing in what is not seen or told, but another big facet of faith is being able to declare God as good even in the unknown, for even with unanswered prayers and desolate plains, He is forever faithful and good.
That was the answer. The answer is not, “I am right here” or “This His what I am doing,” but the answer to the two most asked questions is, “He is silent because He wants us to declare His goodness even if we cannot see it or feel it,” and that brought both a sense of conviction and calmness to my soul. Right now, I am walking a wilderness that feels never-ending and dry, and yet through it all, He is still good.
Through we have COVID-19, the Lord is still good and faithful,
Though we have corrupt politicians who only care about their agendas, the Lord is still good and faithful,
Though we walk a wilderness and don’t know when the promise land is in sight, the Lord is still good and faithful,
And through every mountain top, valley, desolate time, wretched storm, and times of suffering, He is still good; all the time.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10
Sometimes, He doesn’t give us the exact answer that we want, but instead, He gives us the answer that we need, and the answer we need is far better than what we could want, for He knows what He is doing, for He is God. During this time of social distancing, I have been able to reflect on my issues with disbelief during the wilderness by truly dig into the word while become a well-watered woman who drinks deeply from the well of the Living Water that will not run dry, and through that, I have continued to learn that He is good.
Though it has been painful and suffering can be crippling, He is good, and I don’t need to know “Where He is” or “What He is doing” to believe that, for the Lord declared His righteousness and goodness when He defeated death with the words of “It is finished;” therefore, if God can defeat the grave, then no mountain I come upon is too much for the Him to handle. Therefore, I lay my fears down at His feet while rejoicing in His presence, for no virus, no politician, and no amount of spiritual warfare will take that joy away, for He is where my eternal and steadfast joy comes from.
“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Oh, give thanks to the God of gods!
For His mercy endures forever.
Oh, give thanks to the Lord of lords!
For His mercy endures forever:” Psalm 23:5
He is good, He is faithful, and He knows what He is doing, so why should I allow my heart to be afraid when the Lord directed my steps before I ever took my first breath?