I meant to log on and post this blog post yesterday, but due to having a very sweet moment with Jesus during my reading of His Word and through a beloved worship song that brings me to tears each time, time slipped away a little bit, and I then decided to wait until today to post, but this post means a lot to me, for I wrote it right after my study of a the book Lamentations the other day, and it is something my heart forever echos.
Due to wanting to condense the amount of times I use my future husband letter journal due to not having much space left, I am going to write a letter, which I have not done in year. Now, before I begin, they aren’t the wishy washy letters that you think of. My letters that go to the soul, letters that echo the grace and softness of Jesus, and though I didn’t get into Lamentations until a few years ago, I still breathed grace into my letters. Today, I thought I would write another one, for I only wrote one future husband letter on this blog back in 2017.
It was called “Dear Future Husband: It’s Okay to be Broken,” and that letter was from my heart. To be honest, I still echo those words, and I truly encourage you to read it if you want, for it’s one of my favorite letters I have ever written in my history of letter writing even though was from two to three years ago. The other day, I read that letter again, and I thought I’d write a part two in a much deeper way after reading Lamentations.
Dear future husband,
How fast the years have gone by since I posted that one letter in December of 2017, and here I am again with an online letter. However, when I published the first one, I wrote about your brokenness, about your mess, about you in darkness, and honestly, I was in darkness myself.
Yes, that woman who wrote that letter was broken herself. As I wrote that letter, I sat on my bedroom floor with my little laptop with tears down my face due to begin crippled with brokenness and suffering, and in that moment, I felt the Lord tell me to write to you, and so I began to write on a blank screen and that’s when I knew it; you are a broken man just like I am, and I fell in love with you even more.
In December of 2017, I was in the midst of brokenness and suffering, I was surviving, and yet that letter I wrote you gave me so much peace, and it was in that moment as I was on my floor crying that I fell in love with the broken you, not a perfect man that a lot of women want.
You see, I learned so much in my lifetime, and I am happy that the brokenness I endured has given me the ability to see with lens of grace, I am thankful that I have grown into a woman who has experienced freedom in the Lord through all the broken parts and wounds, and I am happy that I have seen a side of the Lord that is so raw and tender; a side that heals, a side that picked me up in my ashes when they engulfed me from all directions, and a side that’s love is so steadfast, that it is overwhelming in the chaos, and peaceful in the loudness; that is what I have seen within two years.
But this isn’t about me, but this about is you.
When I began to look at my brokenness years ago, I began to fall in love with the idea of a broken husband; a man who could cry with me, a man who could suffer with me, a man who could grieve with me, and a man who would run with me in the fire while showing me that Christ is enough. That was the husband I began to pray for. I wanted the broken man, I wanted the flawed man, and I want the man that Christian women didn’t want.
I wanted the broken, messy, and flawed man who understands the feeling of relief when knowing that Christ died so that we didn’t have to live in condemnation, shame, guilt, or pain; that’s the man I knew I wanted to marry as I sat on my bedroom floor that night in pure agony and tears, and so I love the you who is not only living in pure joy and love in the Lord, but I also love the you who is loved by an affectionate Lord as you are afflicted.
As I sat on my bedroom floor in December of 2017, I prayed that you would be a man who understood the mourning of Lamentations as the fires become raging, that you would be a man who understood the cries of Lamentations as the pain becomes crippling, that you would be a man who understood the question, “God, where are you” in the middle of the unknown as the ashes begin to settle, and though many women don’t like that, I want that, for a man such as you can show me that Christ is faithful even in the mess, but I also want you to be a testament that the grace that sustains us all, the grace that is sufficient, and the grace that is unending, for in the end, you will be the one who will challenge me to grow in the gentle love of Christ.
I do not define you by your shame, brokenness, guilt, or past, but I view you as a man who is radically redeemed by a powerful Gd who defeated the grace, I view you as a man who is not perfect, but who is ever so loved, and I view you as a man who is not defined by flawed, but who is unconditionally cherished by the Lord. The Lord did not want a yolk around your neck, and while the narrow path is a tedious and treacherous path, you should not have a yolk around your neck as you walk it, for in Christ, freedom rings. the Lord wants you to be in joy, peace, and happiness, and while we will have waves of brokenness and suffering as we walk the narrow, we can find peace in knowing that Christ defeated the grave.
I want your mess,
I want your darkest days.
I want to be there for you in the fire.
I want to love you like Christ did, and I know you will love me as your wife, but in the end, I am more concerned about loving you as you should be loved rather than on how you can love me. In the end, I could care less about “the ring,” I could care less about a “wedding” that only lasts a day, and I could care less about what half the women care about, and while I do have wedding ideas as any woman does, I never let that override the true meaning, which is placing Christ as the foundation and loving you like Him.
I am more concerned about loving you and showing you that Christ is faithful, I am more concerned about being a listening ear, I am more concerned about having kindness on my heart and wisdom on my tongue, and I am more concerned about being the wife you need, rather than changing you to be the husband “I want” like many women do.
Even though we do not deserve grace and even though we are both unworthy, I choose to love you. I choose to love you even if you cannot love yourself, I choose to love you even in your deepest sin, I choose to love you even in the darkest days, I choose to love you even if you were to give me a reason not too, for in the end, Christ had a reason to not die for us, and yet He still did.
He still died for you and I, and if He can die for us in a selfless love, then I can love you as my future husband regardless of what you do. I want you to always feel as if you can be honest with me, for I will not turn my head and promise not to turn my ears off, for I understand brokenness. I want you to confide in me about whatever is bothering you, and if you are battling, if you are in warfare, or if you are in pain, you can tell me and have no fear, for I will not throw a stone at you, but I will take your hand and walk with you towards Jesus’s throne in softness and love.
I understand that everyone struggles, battles, and rages a war within their soul; every single person, and one struggle or battle is no bigger than the other, and yet we somehow places boxes of which ones are bigger than others. No, that is flawed and bad theology, for struggles are struggles and battles are battles, and no struggle or battle is greater than the other. I struggle, you struggle, we all struggle, and I am willing to marry you no matter what; even with brokenness, suffering, even with the struggles, even with the scars, even with the blemishes, and even with the mess. I will still choose to marry you. Sure, you might fail, you might slip, you might be tempted beyond belief, but even Jesus was tested by the devil.
Even Jesus was tested, and so as you muse over guilt, I want you to know that if the perfect son of God who is both God and man can be test by the enemy, then you can be tested by the devil. You are human, you are a flawed man, and you are a man born into sin, so don’t expect to be perfect. I sin; I sin everyday. I am unworthy of grace, I am tempted, and we are all tempted, but in the end, I know that the God you and I serve is bigger than our thoughts, temptations, and fears, and that gives me peace, and I want you to have that peace too.
At the end of the day, Christ died so that we would not be chained to condemnation, pain, guilt, or shame, for when Christ said, “It is finished,” death was defeated and condemnation, guilt, pain, and shame lost it’s power, and so we can be joyful in the Lord that we gave our hearts and lives too.
It is okay to be broken.
It is okay to fall to the ground and say, “God, I cannot do this anymore. Where are you, I need you,”
It is okay to feel as if the flames are engulfing you,
It is okay to be a mess,
It is okay to not have everything in line.
And it is okay to be human, for I will love you no matter what.
You will be my lovable mess when married, and I will still love you, I will still love your mess, and even if you don’t love yourself, I will love you regardless of any pain or opposition. If Christ can love you as the man you were when who threw yourself down at the feet of the cross in pure tears, then I can love that same you and I can love the you in the darkest, and I will; I will never stop lovign you.
Lamentations is so precious for this very reason. Through all of the cries, pain, tears, begging, and yelling out to God, the Lord was faithful in the end, the Lord’s mercies were not confused, and the Lord was in the midst of the fire, and He always is.
So dear future husband, I have always loved you, and I have loved you for many years. You might not of realized in the past that a woman by the name of Christina prayed so passionately for you, has written to you, and humbled herself before the throne over you, but I have loved your brokenness for a long time; longer than you think I have, and as you wondered if you were ever worthy of a wife, marriage, or whatnot, there was a woman in this world who prayed for you, who loved you, and who went before God about you.
So it’s okay to be broken, because in the end. the Lord died so that we could live in unending joy and peace, and so it’s okay not have it all together, it’s okay to be an imperfect human loved by a perfect God, for He didn’t die for perfect people, but He died for the imperfect, and so if He can love you as He died on a cross, then I will most definitely love you as your future wife, and so I pledge and vow right now that I will never leave you regardless of struggle, brokenness, or the darkest, for I will love you like Christ and never let go; and that’s my promise.
Your future wife,