Today was one of those days that I ended up taking a longer nap than usual when I came home, for normally, I take an hour nap, but today it was a longer one. Now, I am a full believer in taking naps when I get home, and when I got home today, I laid down for a nap at around 4 and woke up now, around six, to post, but I am still tired for some reason. Personally, I am not the kind of woman who goes everywhere after she leaves, but I go straight home to take a nap, for I truly believe in the beauty of stillness, and I guess today’s nap was more needed than ever.
Anyways, tonight, I am writing on something very personal and dear to my heart, for it involves my dad who is now with the Lord, who is now living in a place where there is no more suffering, and who is now living in a place where freedom shall forever ring, and I can only imagine the things my father is seeing right now, and I cannot wait to see my dad again one day, for I know that though his time on earth is over, I will see him in heaven again, so there is hope.
As mentioned, my father died three years ago, and though it has been three years, it still stings when I think of all that my father will miss, and one of those being that my future husband will never meet my father due to him being gone and no longer here.
I am aware and happy that my father is in a place where happiness, love, and and joy never end, but I will not hide the fact that there is pain when I think of all that he will miss. Many daughters have their fathers walk them down the aisle, give them away, and who look at the man their daughter will marry while giving them the “Take care of mu daughter” look, and yet I won’t have that with my dad.
However, to give more of a backstory, before my father died, he was very sick. My dad died at the age of 68, and so my mom is now 70 and my dad would have been 71 going on 72 at this point, but he sadly died at the young age of 68. Say what you want, but 68 is too young to be dying, and yet my father was sick, was hurting, and was suffering. My father was in hospitals, was in surgeries, and was in need of a triple bypass surgery to stay alive; however, no doctor would do the surgery.
My father went from doctor to doctor, and each one said, “It’s to risky,” and yet when we finally found a doctor who was willing to operate on my dad, he ended up dying 4 days before the surgery; therefore, the Lord decided to take him home instead, and so my father is now fully lavished in the perfect joy of the Lord in a place where his suffering is no more, and for that, I am thankful, but in other words, when I think of my dad not being here to meet my future husband, to see me marry, and to have that father and daughter dance, I break down and cry.
If I had to be honest, sadness rises in my soul when I see other women with their fathers walking them down the aisle, I get sad when I see other fathers crying when their daughters are getting married, and I get so saddened when I see how many women still have their fathers; I truly cry, not out of resentment, but out of sorrow.
How I wish my dad could walk me down the aisle one day.
How I wish my dad could cry when he sees me marry.
How I wish my dad could meet his future grandchildren.
““O Death, where is your sting?
O Hades, where is your victory?”” 1 Corinthians 15:55
How I wish death wasn’t so horrid, and yet, that’s the result of sin. As we are in the sinful flesh, death will happen, and in the end, no matter how truthful this sounds, we are either going to die or see Jesus return. At this point, Jesus is very close to returning; therefore, some of us might die and others not, but in the end, death is inevitable due to to sin; however, due to Christ and His victory over death, death has no victory and no sting.
With that being said, my future husband will never meet the man that I known as my father, for not only did I lose my father, but I lost my father who chose to be as I was an almost lifeless baby when I was three months old. You see, I was adopted, so my father’s death hurt me even worse due to the man who wanted to be my father was gone.
Let me be honest, my dad was not a perfect man, and he had many flaws, but though he had flaws, he was still my dad, was still the one who sat with my mom at every single music concert, who placed me in art lessons as a little girl due to seeing my artwork, and who would be happy with my mom when I won writing awards in my state. Though my dad was far from perfect, he was still my dad.
My future husband will never be able to say, “I want to meet your dad,” my future husband will never be able to have “the talk” with my dad about marrying me, and my future husband will never be able to meet both my parents, which is what kills me. I wanted so badly for my future husband to meet both my mom and my dad together, and while I my mom with all my heart, soul, and life, when it comes to something as big as marriage, you want both of your parents present.
I am overly joyed that my future husband will be able to meet my mother, for I am very close to my mom, I love my mom, and she means everything to me, but I would have also loved it if my future husband would of been able to meet my dad one day, but he won’t. At this point, my future husband will only hear abut my dad, hear about the jokes , hear about the stories, and he will only see photos of my dad rather than seeing my dad in real life, and that stings when you think of all that a person will miss once they are gone.
“But now, O Lord,
You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.” Isaiah 64:8
However, when my father died, one of the most precious things about God was the fact that He was out Father; our Father who stepped down from His throne to die for us, and so when my dad died, I truly clung to the Lord for He was the only Father I had left; the one who would never quit on me, leave me, or forsake me, and so I am not left with no father, but if I had to admit, the thought of my dad not being here has stung more often than not.
When you lose a parent, the goodness of the Lord becomes ever so sweet, and you begin to find find yourself more captivated by who He is every second, and for me, when I lost my dad, the reality of the Lord being both my Savior and my Father began to become more personal on a deeper level.
I am not a woman “without a father” and though my father is now gone, I have my loving mother and I have the Lord with me; therefore, I have the Lord to guide me, and I also have Him to be able to be that soft still voice in the middle of the chaos. The Lord is our Father in heaven, and not only will He be present at my wedding, but He is also the one who is orchestrating and weaving together the love story of my future husband and I, and that love story is going to be a beautiful of His grace, and so that gives me hope.
My father has passed away, and I am not angry at God, for I understand why my father has gone home, for he was in pain. The Lord had taken my father out of the pain, out of the misery, and out of the depths of that suffering by delivered him into His presence to be in a place where there is no pain, no suffering, and no misery; therefore, I cannot fight God on that, for He did a loving thing by taking him peacefully that morning that my father died.
“For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
My future husband will know who my father is through words, through photos, and through the many stories my mom and I will tell him. Sure, it will not be the same as meeting my dad in person, but he’ll learn about my dad in other ways, and that is also okay too. My mother and I would be more than glad to fill him in on any questions he will have on my dad, and so I am not alone, for I have the Lord, I have my mother, and in heaven, where there is joy unending, my father is there; and with that, I know my father is happy, and I know that he would want me to be happy as well, so I will be.
One day, when I am getting married, I will be happy that my mom is walking me down the aisle, for I love her just as much, but I hope that the Lord allows my father to look down and watch me get married from above. If anything, I would love my father watch in some way at my wedding, for a girl’s wedding is the one event she would love her father to be in attendance too, but I do know without a doubt that the Lord will be present, that the Lord’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness will be present, and the Lord will be blessing it, so even if my father has passed away, the most important guest will still be there; the Lord.
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
The Lord is both our Father and Savior, for He is both God and man. He is the one who breathed life into man, the one who stepped down from His throne, the one who gave grace, the one who gave the ability to love, and the one who forgave even in the darkest; therefore, in the end, I do have a Father; His name is Jesus, and He calls me “daughter,” so while I cry over the pangs that death leaves, I know that there is one Father who will never leave me, who will never forsake me, and who will always be there through every season, through every moment, and through every second.
One day when I am getting married, I will have my mom and the Lord at my wedding, but hopefully my father will be able to look down and watch that day, but in any which way, I know the most important person who will always be in attendance, and that person is the Lord; my Father in heaven who went before me and into the fire after so I wouldn’t be consumed.
And He is the most important guest at my future wedding to my future husband one day.