This post somewhat goes along with Christmas, for the Lord stepped down from His throne to die for us due to loving us in the darkest, and due to Christ, we should love a spouse just as He did; through the darkest; however, I just got done reading Proverbs 31 again, but I am quite sure by this point that many wouldn’t be surprised that my most read passage is Proverbs 31, but it had me thinking the other night; there are many things women do not realize about their future marriage, and I know; how can a single woman even know about marriage? Well, I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that there are things that I have seen throughout many circles, and I have been thinking about it for the past few days.
Though I am a single woman writing this post, let me tell you, this post is needed, for I believe we need to ensure that we have a healthy view on marriage before ever getting married, for we are becoming one with a man, and we should encourage him in Christ by being aware of what we are promising before getting married. (Again, I know this is weird for the most single person on the planet to tell you this, but it is true.)
I feel as if Christian women have this ideal marriage in their minds that is all “happy and filled with sunshine,” and that isn’t wrong to think, for there is nothing wrong with having a happy marriage. I want a happy marriage with love, joy, and grace, but I also realize that there is a reality to all things, and there are going to be rough moments in marriage that require going through the fire, but this reality causes Christian women to feel disappointed when getting married for they thought their husbands would be “perfect Prince Charmings,” and that isn’t true; therefore, within the past years, I began to think, “What do I want in my future marriage,” and the answer is pouring out grace.
A simple statement of the marriage I desire would be: pouring out unconditional grace upon each other as we both walk hand in hand towards the throne of grace in humility, meekness, and selflessness.
“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him
an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
This is why it is important to marry the person that the Lord has called to be a compliment and an encouragement to us, for I am not trying to be a negative person, but I also want to be a logical one as well, and I am going to say it, your future husband is not a perfect man, and you will have to stand by his side when he goes through the fire, when he goes through trials, and when he goes through the darkest. When married, we aren’t perfect humans, and we will still sin, we will still fail, and if we can fail the Lord, then we can most certainly fail our spouses, so we must remember that the man we marry is not a perfect man, but he is redeemed.
If you feel as if you have to rise to a standard of perfection to be a godly spouse, then that is wrong, and that mentality is very damaging, for if Christ wants you to come as you are, then you should be able to marry as you are to a spouse, for if Christ can love us in our messes, our darkest, and in our shame, and in our despair, then we can love each other through the mess as well.
Marriage does not make us “perfect Proverbs 31 women” magically after the wedding night
“She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.” Proverbs 31:27
Marriage is not going to make us perfect people who do not sin again, and I believe many Christian women have this mentality. They think, “I will become an amazing, godly wife after marriage,” which causes them to eat that bread of idleness while believing that Proverbs 31 is easy, and that isn’t true. Marriage does not have a magic wand that instantly makes us “perfect people” overnight, and this is why it is important that we seek God before marriage rather than waiting until after, for many women believe they will transform into this amazing Proverbs 31 woman the day after the wedding, and the truth is, is that marriage doesn’t work like it.
The truth of the matter is that we will fail our spouses at times, we will fail God daily, we will still sin, and we will still be humans, but the amazing thing about marriage is that we don’t have to battle our battles alone anymore, for we have an encouragement in our corner as we walk to Christ.
When we begin to make marriage a union of perfection rather than a union of grace, we are causing our future husband to fall before the Lord
Personally, I believe that when we esteem marriage as a union of perfection, this places a huge pressure on our future husband to rise up to that perfection, and when he doesn’t, it causes them to fall and crash, and I am quite sure we have all seen this happen in marriages before. A man hides all the battles, all the pain, and all of the hurt due to his wife wanting that perfect marriage, and a bottle can only hold so much, and when that bottle explodes, it does not end well.
When we marry, we should not place goals of perfection on our husbands, but instead, we should allow honesty, being open, and vulnerability. If we allow our future husband to come to us in vulnerability, and with his heart laid out before us, we are keeping him from bottling up those feelings, these fears, an the battles, for if the Lord wants him to come as he is to the throne of grace, we should allow him to come as he is as our spouses.
Christian women are known to want that “perfect fairy tale marriage,” but in the end, that perfect fairy tale only makes a man want to bottle it up due to his wife being so wrapped up in wanting that perfect illusion, and again, a bottle can only hold so much, and you will be hindering a man by wanting that perfect marriage, you will be causing him to always try to reach for perfection, and you will be causing him to not view himself as worth loving in the eyes of Jesus due to having a yolk of perfection around his neck.
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in
Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
Therefore, if we ignore our future husband’s battles or heart due to them not adding up to a “perfect, Christian marriage,” that does not make the issues go away, but it only make them worse. Many people want to ignore the problems of others due to not wanting to listen, but just because you refuse to listen does not mean the hurting goes away, but instead, you are causing more hurt to the one you are married too, for that man married you so that he could be host with you, and he married you so that you would encourage in Christ, and yet you are wanting him to bottle it up due to you not wanting to listen due to being blinded by the perfection and the fairy tale.
Then after awhile, the bottle explodes and it all comes out; the pain, the scars, the hurt, everything that that was hidden, and everything that was refused to be talked about comes out in an explosion due to the bottling break, and yet that bottle didn’t have to explode if grace was the central message within that marriage.
If our future spouses can fall short of the glory of God, then my future husband can fail me as well.
I already know that my future husband is going to fail me, he is going to sin against me, he is going to do things that I might not like, there are going to be days where I have to choose to go through the fire for him, and there will be times where we both have to humble ourselves and love each other through the storm, for I know that my future husband fails the Lord daily, and if my future husband can fail the Lord, then what makes me think he won’t fail me?
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
Though I am very single, I still choose to love my future husband, to pray for him daily, to write letters, and to look at his tie each morning and still choose love him even though I know he has sinned and has been in the darkest. I don’t care if he has been in the dark, I don’t care if he is a mess, and I don’t care about perfection, for I will love my future husband as Christ does; therefore, I will love him in the darkest even as I am single.
The thing is, is that my future husband is gong to fail me and he is going to sin against me, and I have accepted the fact that I am going to marry a man who is not going to be a perfect husband, but he will be a redeemed man who I can show the love of Christ too, for though he will not meet all the “perfect conditions,” he will be lavished in the grace of Jesus.
Again, in my observations, I have seen Christian women esteem their future husbands as being these men who were perfect and who would never fail them, but when their husbands do fail them , they become devastated, and yet I always resort to the same question; if our future husbands can fail the Lord, why would we think he wouldn’t fail us?
This is where we begin to bottle up the imperfections of our future husbands, and this is where many act at as if the problems aren’t real, and that is not the marriage I want, for I am okay with a man who will fail me daily, because at the end of the day, I will show him the love of Christ in new ways.
I want my future marriage to be a marriage that is imperfect and flawed, yet rooted in the beautiful grace of Jesus
At the end of the day,, the marriage I pray for is a marriage where Christ is overflowing, where love is abounding, and where loving each other in grace is our central message. I want my future marriage to be where we both can passionately pour out our hearts, our sins, our battles, our vulnerabilities, and everything we have within us to each other while loving each other in a selfless love, and I want a marriage where we both walk together hand in hand towards Christ rather than against each other.
I want a marriage that has open ears, and I want a marriage where we aren’t perfect, where we fail each other, and where we both understand that we will sin daily, but at the end of the day, we both are rooted in the grace of Jesus, and that is what sustains us.
In the end, marriage is not about seeking perfection, nor is it about seeking a perfect husband, but it is about reflecting the glory of Jesus in a beautiful union where two become who walk the narrow together, and that is the beautiful thing about marriage. Two imperfect people who marry before God, and who admit their faults is a marriage I want, for that is a marriage that is rooted in grace, not perfection.
So I seek a marriage where we can both be vulnerable, honest, and selflessly pour out our souls to one another without fear, for if Christ wants us to come humbly to His throne, then I want my future husband to come as he is in our future marriage one day, for I will love him as he is rather than him “coming as perfect,” for perfection is only masking everything within a bottle, and a bottle can only hold so much until it explodes into a deeper situation that could have been avoided with grace, love, and tenderness.
This might be contrary to what a lot of people say, but fall in love with the imperfect side of a man before you fall in love with the happy side, for if you can love him in his darkest, then you can most definitely love him in the happy, for when we only love our future husbands in the good, then we will fail him in the bad, we will fail him when he is in the darkest, and we will not be able to love him like Christ, so will I choose to love my future husband in the darkest before loving him in the happy, for as Christ hung upon a cross, He loved him in the darkest, and so I will love him the same when I walk down the aisle towards my future husband one day.
So I will choose to love a man even in his darkest, for the only reason why my future husband will be a man who is joyful in grace is due to him being redeemed by the blood of Jesus, and even then, Jesus loved him in his darkest; therefore, I can too, and so I want my future marriage to be built on just that; being loved each day through the darkness and through the light.
Merry Christmas to you all, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas wherever that may potentially be, and may we remember that this season is because of the Lord, and may we never forget that the Lord loved us in our darkest, and due to Him loving us, we are able to love due to Him, and through His glory, the Lord is worthy of all worship, of all praise, and He is worthy of all picking up their cross to follow Him; therefore may we never forget that Christ is the reason we live in graceful freedom, and may we never forget about all that He has done for us.