Honestly, I do not want to post this post, for it is very raw, and I have written this blog post three times, and I had this post ready to be posted on Friday, but I wasn’t ready too, so I did not post it, for I somehow felt “ashamed” for what happened to me when it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to keep this out of the spotlight for I was afraid it’d make me look less than what I truly am, which isn’t true, so this post is not easy for me in the slightest.
First off, 2018 was, in blunt words, horrible, but it was the year I saw growth in my life, my walk with Christ went through areas that I have not been through, and who I am as a young woman in Christ was strengthened. For a long time, I planned on not telling anyone besides a few people about this encounter, but why tell a few when your message of healing can help more?
My worth is not determined by what other people do, but it is determined by God. I am still loved, I am still free, and no pain, agony, or trial can take away the freedom that I found in Christ, and due to my healing that I have gone through, I am at the point where I want to share my story and tell Satan “You didn’t win, and I will soar above the opposition.”
This past year, I became a survior of domestic violence and the court trial lasted four long months. I was brutally attacked three times over and over, had bruises that I was covering for two weeks, and the emotional wounds were even deeper, but I am much stronger than the woman I was when I first began my journey to healing. Due to healing, I am able to sit here and finally tell you my story of hope months later.
I will not go into the details of what happened, for I do not want to go into the past, but I would like to move forward, for I want to keep the bad memories at a minimum, but instead, focus on the healing and miracles of my healing.
However, the truth about 2018 is that it was a battle. The battle was long, and I had people “pick sides,” I had people on my attacker’s side try to find “evidence” to show that my attacker had “reason” to hurt me, I had people scaring me, I had to meet with my lawyer, I had to cover my bruises with foundation and act as if I was “okay,” I had to go to court, and I had to keep myself together while looking at my attacker across the courtroom.
On top of all of that, I had to still go to college, makes good grades, ace my finals, sign up for classes, and go to court at the same time, but most importantly, I had to make sure that my walk in Christ did not waver, and it didn’t, but instead, my walk with Him was made stronger.
2018 was a year that I never want to go back too, but I learned so much about God’s love, about endurance, about overcoming battles in our lives, and I truly saw how much of a healer and how much love God gives us during our pain. I learned many lessons, I stayed in the Word like never before, and my prayer life was more tender, more raw, and more close than never before, so in the end, something good did come out of this, for it made me run to Christ like never before.
It made me cling to Christ, it made me depend on Him even more, and I chose to heal in Christ rather than allow my pain to consume me, for Satan wanted me to be consumed by my pain, he wanted me to feel insecure, and he wanted me to feel broken, but broken things do not stay broken forever, so I ran to Jesus and thrived in His mercy and grace.
Though I had fresh bruises and a tear-stained mess during my dark time, I still felt God’s love radiate throughout me, for He was with me. Though I was a mess, my mess wasn’t too big for God to love, and He began to do damage control the very moment all this occurred.
Was healing “instant” and like the snap of a finger? No, for the first few months were full of initial pain, flashbacks, nightmares every night, tears, and the typical emotions that you see, but God was there with me, and that gave me the courage to keep going, for I needed the courage to go through court case, for it was a battle in itself.
The first day of the trial was the worst, for I had to see my attacker again for the first time since the incident, and I lost it. As I sat in the lobby of the courtroom, I was pure shaking, my breathing became rapid, and I just let a flood of tears escape my eyes as I hid into my mom’s arm, for my attacker terrified me, but God continually let me know that He was there, He was watching, and that He would sustain me.
In the end, my attacker was sentenced to only a year probation due to not having a “prior record” of abuse, and though many people are mad about the “light sentence” due to the travesty of what I went through, I was glad that the chapter was over, for it meant that it had no more hold on me. God knows what happened, and that is all that matters, for my life will go on with hope. My future is full of bright things, and this one bad chapter will not define the life that is before me.
Though the court case did not go the way we wanted it to, one thing remains certain; God’s love encompassed me and He was healing me, holding me together, and bring beauty out of ashes.
I had a journey of healing to go through, and this journey has too many lessons to document in one post, but I’ll be sure to write more for I believe someone needs to hear it, but as you can tell, 2018 was not easy, but though I went through pain, joy came in the morning. God never left me, and He was right there. Instead of sulking in my pain, I decided to give it to God and to find healing in Him.
I grew stronger with healing, I grew into realizing that God’s mercies never fail even if we might be hurt, crying, or broken, and I also learned that my worth isn’t depreciated due to what I go through. God is the same today as He is tomorrow, so no matter what occurs in my life, I know that His promises still stand.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
And for my future? Well, I cannot say for sure what my future holds, but based on what the Word says, it’s going to be great and full of many blessings that bring me joy and not pain. Though I am still healing, I am stronger than who I was when it first happened, and I am closer to God like never before. 2018 was a year full of growth in His promises, and though God did give me more than I could handle, it wasn’t too much for Him.
Many people say “God does not give you more than what you can handle,” but that’s not fully true, for God sometimes gives you more than what you can handle so you can give it to Him so He can handle it. God took my brokenness and made beauty of it, for I embrace the love of God, and the healing of His grace.
My attacker might think that they got away with what they did, but my attacker did not win, for I refuse to give up my joy in Christ nor will I let my spirit be crushed. I am a child of God, and though I go through battles, tears, and broken times, I know who I am, my worth is secure in Christ, and nothing can stop God’s promises, and that is all I need to be happy.
Also, I forgive my attacker even though what they did was horrendous. I forgive, for I am setting myself free. My mother always told me “Forgiveness isn’t only for the other person, but it is for you to heal and to let go of the pain.” Forgiving those who hurt us can show God’s love by saying “You might have hurt me, but I forgive you for Christ forgives you too.” Though I never plan on seeing my attacker again, I can still forgive, for God forgave me.
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
If Christ can forgive me and my sin, then I can forgive others who hurt me too. God showed me how to be strong, how to be brave, how to cling to Him even more, and how to be the bigger person even if you “have the right” to be angry. Though I could have been angry and mad for a long time, I decided to do what few do, and that is forgive.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
Satan might have tried to catch me off guard by hurting me, but he did not win, for though I was knocked down, I was picked up by God, I was embraced by His love, and I was healed by His stripes, and now, I want to tell any person who goes through domestic violence that healing does happen, and God will heal you. It may not happen right away, but it does happen.
You have to give it to God, you have to lay it at His feet, and you have to be willing to forgive or else healing will not truly come unless you completely let go. Let go, and let God, and I promise He will pick up your broken pieces and make you whole again.
2018 might have knocked me down, but I learned how to grow out of pain, how to overcome, and how to embrace in God’s love. 2019 is going to be full of promises, so goodbye to the past, and hello to the future.
And with that, I’ll end this post with one of my favorite passages from Lamentations, and I thank you for reading my story of healing, for Satan did not win, and he never will, for my God already won when He said it was finished, so no pain can take away the happiness that I have in Jesus, for He won, He redeemed me, and I am free in Christ.
“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him” Lamentations 3:22-25