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It’s a little awkward for a single girl to be telling you “5 things to ask” before getting married, but trust me, thinking of marriage before it happens is important, for you want to know why it’s important, but also, the person you are marrying is equally important as the marriage.
Before I get married, I plan on doing a Christian premarital counseling program with my future husband to help us begin to build a strong marriage, I plan on having deep conversations with him on various subjects before the big day, and I also plan on making sure we are both aware of the covenant we are getting into, for marriage is not a contract. I do not believe in “running away,” for I believe you should fight and stand by the man you love, and I believe that we should be willing to engage in conversation even if it isn’t easy, because there will be times in marriage where things are not easy.
As a young woman, I see many women who rush down the aisle just to wear a white gown and have a big day to remember. Though wearing a beautiful gown and walking down the aisle is exciting, you don’t want to rush a marriage or else it can end in a divorce, which is very heartbreaking.
I thought I’d share 5 questions that I think should be answered before getting married, for these are questions you should have answers to before you ever walk down the aisle, and if you do not, then I would hold off until you do find out the answers, for marriage is a big thing and should not be taken lightly.
Question One: Does he plan on making Christ the foundation of the marriage rather than just sex?
A lot of people marry just so they can have sex, which is the wrong approach to marriage. Though marriage opens the world to intimacy which is considered good in the eyes of God, sex isn’t the only thing in marriage. In fact, sex isn’t even half of marriage. It is the gift that God gives married people, but it shouldn’t be your foundation. If you get married just for the sole purpose of sex, then you’re going to run into so many problems, such as the lack of true love, understanding, and vulnerability.
Marrying just to have sex is a lustful approach instead of true love. When you are marrying out of love for each other, then that love will hold you both together through trials and storms that come your way, but if your marriage is just built on sexual tension, you will crash and burn, because sex will not be able to fix all trials nor will it be able to be a stable foundation for a marriage.
When you marry with lust as the foundation, it will burn out, and then what? What will happen when the lust is no longer “burning?” You will then be married to a person you argue with all of the time and who you don’t even know, which will end in heartache. So it is important to not marry out of lust, for lust is temporary and doesn’t last.
In the end, if Christ isn’t your foundation, then the marriage will become strained, rocky, and distant, which will then cause problems temptation, and other things to arise; therefore, marrying out of lust rather than love is going to crash and burn, which will end badly for you both.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
If you marry a man who doesn’t care about putting Christ first, but only cares about what he can get out of the marriage, then this will lead to potential heartache. Marriage is not about what you can get out of it, but it is about giving. Marriage is selfless and requires works. You will not wake up each morning with a “strong marriage,” but you both have to work daily on keeping your marriage strong in Christ, communicating with each other, and choosing to love each other no matter what argument ensues.
Question Two: Does he show a strong love for God and does he have a walk with Him?
Of course, I understand that godly men aren’t perfect and many have painful pasts, but you should seek a man who understands his need for Jesus daily and who understands the importance of grace. It is important to be with a man who wants to be rooted in Jesus, who loves the Word, and who thrives in grace.
As a Christian, we produce fruits of the Spirit, and if the man who is pursuing to marry you does not produce any good fruits, then chances are, they aren’t strong in Christ or they never had a genuine walk with Christ to begin with. Again, we will struggle with some fruits, we will have struggles, but every Christian produced fruit, and when it comes to marriage, you do not want to marry a weak man who only loves Christ when it’s convenient. You want a man who is respectful, gentle, compassionate, and who will love you like Christ loves the church; therefore, he should be tender, forgiving, and will lead you closer to God. A man who pursues to be a man of God will not be a harsh man, but he will be selfless, understanding, and thoughtful.
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14
If the man that you are marrying is harsh, and doesn’t show the same love for Jesus as you do, then the marriage will be unequal, and an unequal marriage is not advised by God, for it can cause trials to arise.
Question Three: Does he understand that marriage is a covenant and not a contract?
Many people believe that marriage is a contract that they can back out of at any moment, and that is a very dangerous and flawed philosophy to believe in. In 2018, when arguments arise, people do not talk them out anymore, but they just file for divorce and walk away. People divorce over trivial things, over things that many would laugh at, but due to the lack of communication, they lock up and back out of the marriage.
When the sex is no longer what it used to be, people divorce. When children begin to arrive on the scene and trials arise, this also causes people to divorce. When their spouse isn’t looking like they used to, people use this as a reason to divorce. Marriage is not a contract in which you can say “I’m done” at any moment, but marriage is a covenant between you, your future husband, and God.
“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”” Mark 10:9
When God brings two people together, no person shall separate them. When you get married to your future husband, you both become one; therefore, it is important to ask him if he believes that marriage is commitment between God rather than it being a contract, because if your future husband up and leaves you due to him having a “contract mentality,” it will be very painful, for it is as if half of your soul is being ripped apart due you both becoming one.
Before you ever marry your future husband, you both must realize that marriage is commitment that should stand the test of time, that should stand through thick and thin, and that should be strong through sickness and in health. Marriage requires work and commitment, and there will be days where your future husband will get on your nerves, but because you love your husband, you choose to fight for your marriage and to fight for the bond that God created.
That is marriage, and if a man views marriage as a contract that he can easily walk away from, then he is not worthy of your heart if he views a marriage with you as “on his own terms.”
Question Four: Does he want have a family of his own or does he despise the idea of children?
I don’t know about you, but I want children, and if a man doesn’t want a family, then that is a deal breaker. Normally, most all men want to have their own children, but then you have a few men who utterly despise the idea of children, which is heartbreaking.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3
If a man hates the idea of children, this should raise a red flag in your heart. You can tell a lot about a person with the way they interact with children, and if a man is harsh and cruel towards them, that is alarming, for it shows that his heart can be cold, and if a man can be cold-hearted to children, it will not be long until he is cold-hearted to you as well. There is no excuse to hate children, for they are innocent and considered a blessing for the Lord, and if you are a woman who wants children, then it is important to marry a man with that same desire.
Question Five: Does he take your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams into consideration?
A selfless man will take your thoughts and feelings into consideration. He will always be communicating with you on how you feel, he will let you pour your heart out as he listens, and he will be there for you to have shoulder to cry on. A selfish man will only care about his time, and very rarely will he care about how you feel or what you are going through.
“Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
When you are married, you will go through many trials, and it is important to marry a man who will be there for you, who will stand by your side, and who will be understanding through the trials that life throws at you. Marriage is about codependency on each other and on God, and when one person is only depending on their wants, then the marriage becomes unbalanced and easily shaken.
Before marrying a man, look back and see if he asks you how you feel about certain things, if he’s asked you if you were okay, and if he’s allowed you to be vulnerable and open to him as he is compassionate towards you. This is the type of man you want to marry, for marriage isn’t all sunshine and flowers, for there will be moments where you will both need each other to lean on.
These are five things, that I plan on asking myself before I get married to my future husband. I believe that these are some of the most fundamental questions that can either make or break your marriage. Do not marry out of haste, or else you will find yourself repenting, crying, and in so much turmoil due to marrying too quickly.
Make sure that the man you are marrying is the right man chosen by God to be your future husband, and if he is the one God has for you, then he will check off every single question you ever ask him!