No matter how far I try to run, things in my past want to become my present. In the past week, I’ve been reminded severely about my years in an eating disorder, about the pain, abut the tears, and the memories shot across the forefront of my mind that I never wanted to revisit again.
Whenever I finally begin moving further into the horizon, someone, something, or the enemy tries to pull me back into the pain of my past, and this past week, I have had to cling to Christ, because the past is wanting to wreck havoc in my life.
There are some memories I want to forget, and the one time I want to move on from was my two years deep with the confines of an eating disorder. It was one of the worst times of my life, and I don’t even know who that girl was when I look back now.
I remember the pain I felt, I remember the feeling of fear when sitting in the hospital over and over again, I remember the slight hum of the air conditioner in the hospital, and I even remember a conversation my doctor had with my mother outside of the door.
The lies I was being fed were toxic, my body image was distorted to make me look like I was deathly thin, and no matter how many times people told me I looked fine, in my eyes, I looked gaunt, I looked very pale, I looked sickly, and all I “saw’ was bones and death.
I would panic if I did not eat over an extreme amount of calories each day, and the culprit of all of this was the lies and the accomplice was the scale. My eating habits became so toxic, that I would land in the hospital several times, I would faint in the middle of the day, and I became physically weak, and this was my life for 2 years.
That is my past, and it will only be the past, for it will not be my present or my future. I will not deny my past, I will not lie, and I will be honest about it, but I will also refuse to let it define me or label me.
I refuse to live in the memories, I refuse to be reminded of who I was, because, again, who I was is not in my future. However, every time I grow closer to Christ, something is wanting to suck me back into the past, and I am tired of that happening.
I saw something the other day that said “If you never go through brokenness, then you won’t know how great of a healer God is.” Each time I am reminded of my pain during the time of my eating disorder, I also remember how God healed and redeemed me from that time, and that demolishes the negatives.
I have joy now, I am free, I am no longer in the chains that held me down in fear, disgust, and anguish. I went two years without joy, without happiness, and I was numb inside. I tried to make everyone around me think I was okay, and I tried to keep my walk with Christ strong, but it suffered.
“Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”” Hebrews 13:5
I went two years wondering why I could not hear God’s voice. I talked to multiple pastors, I talked to mom, I talked to several friends, and I even tried looking it up online, for I was wondering why I wan’t being able to communicate with Him.
Though I thought He wasn’t there, God never left me, because He was always there. God was speaking to me the entire time, but I was the one who was muffling His voice with the chains I was in.
I will not allow anything to cloud the closeness I have with Him now. I am closer to God now than I have ever been before, and I refuse to let the past make it’s way into the present.
I am not the same girl I was a year ago; I am different. I am stronger, I am more brave, I am happy, and I am not faking my smile anymore. I do not have to fake joy, because God has redeemed me and has placed my feet on solid ground.
“Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
When He sits you free, He sets you free completely, so why let the things of this world put you into chains that should have never been there to start with? Why let your past that has been forgiven enter your life again?
When you have been justified, you are justified, and when you are redeemed, you are redeemed! That is the whole mission statement of my blog, and it is why I named it “Justified and Redeemed.”
I’ve lived many trials in my life that God has redeemed me from. I was justified and redeemed when I accepted Him, and He continues to redeem me each time I fall into brokenness, and I want others to find that hope as well!
I now live with hope, with purpose, and I understand that I cannot control everything. While I was trying to control the things that were out of my hands, I stopped smiling, I stopped living, I stopped embracing imperfections, and I started to inwardly hate and despise myself, but now, I embrace who I am even if I am an “imperfect mess” who gets into the most uncanny situations.
The scale cannot control me anymore, because I’m a stronger person. I have Christ, I know what God says, and unlike the sad and broken girl I was, I live my life with hope for the future, and I live in the joy of knowing that my past is no longer who I am, because I am not my past.
“I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
I know that my journey is far from over, but I know that with Christ, I can do all things, and that gives me hope, and no matter what battles comes my way, He will fight them for me and will continue to shower His grace on me, because that is amazing grace, that is unfailing love, and He will never leave me, and with that, my past will not and cannot define me anymore.