First off, this post is totally unplanned! I had another post scheduled for today, but that post is going to have to be published for another time!
This post is a “God took the truth, squeezed me into the biggest hug ever, and laid this on my heart to write” kind of post, because today, God confronted me when I least expected it!
During the weekend, I read a passage that reminded me of my recovery, and I know that this will make my second post about eating disorder recovery, but God is speaking to me, and I want to share with you what He told me! On Saturday, I was listening to a podcast, and it was speaking about breathing life into dry bones that was mentioned In Ezekiel.
I looked at the passage and it struck something within me because I remember the time I first read that passage during my beginning stages of recovery, and God began laying it on my heart for the past few days, and today confirmed that I had to write the words He was speaking to my heart.
At my college, we have this chapel-like service called Connections every Monday or Friday, and do you want to know what the message was about? Dry bones coming to life and God breathing through them! When they began reading the same passage from Ezekiel, I felt God speaking to my heart, telling me that this was for me, and He began to lay the message on my heart like never before.
Then, they began singing a song called “Come Alive (Dry Bones,)” and at this point, I knew that God was trying to get through to me. Not only did He use the message, but I could feel His love engulf me into a hug! He was telling me that He was pleased with my recovery, that He was happy that I humbled myself, and He was reminding me of how much He loved me! How ironic is it that God laid this message in different ways for the past few days while this month is my one year of recovery from an eating disorder?
How amazing is our Father?
So I want to talk about that passage that has resonated in my soul, and every time someone reads or talks about that passage, I feel joy, life, and His love goes throughout my bones!
Bones; dry bones.
That was me once. I was lifeless, depressed, afraid, and just a shell whose bones were hollow with self-hatred and disgust for her own body.
I looked in the mirror and all I wanted to do was hide my bones, I thought my bones were disgusting, and all the life was sucked away from. I would look at my collarbone and see bones, I would look at my arms, and see bones, and I would look at my legs and see bones.
I hated these bones, and they were dead! These bones were sucked away of joy and left dry, weak, and with no hope left. My mind at the time during my disorder would tell me that all they would do is shrivel up and die or that my body would begin eating the muscle tissue due to how thin I was, but keep in mind that I prevented this by eating over 8,000 calories a day, which caused me to vomit repulsively to the point of hospitalization at one point.
All I was, was weak, dry, and had lifeless bones.
The word I hated was “bones,” and it was a word that I wish I could have erased from the dictionary, have erased from our memories, and just gone from the face of the earth, but as I was in my beginning stages of recovery, I read Ezekiel, because I was also in the process of building up my walk with Christ again.
“The hand of the Lord came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
So I answered, “O Lord God, You know.”
Again He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! Thus says the Lord God to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the Lord.”’” Ezekiel 37:1-6
When I was in my recovery and I first read those verses, I looked at my bones and it was in that moment where I wanted God to breathe life into them, replenish my joy, and even though I was trying to move past the fact that gaining weight was impossible, He was taking away my hate for my bones by breathing a spring of joy, healing, life, and a love for Him throughout them. Though I had to fight myself daily in the beginning stages of recovery, I wanted Him to breath life into the bones I hated so that I could be set free!
From every tendon, from every muscle tissue, and from every fiber, life sprung up from the dryness of the bones and sprouted strength, happiness, and rejuvenation! Since I am no longer dry in my bones and I have life, I praise the Lord for He is faithful, He is good, and He heals!
The bones that I hated, the bones that I wish I could hide, the bones that made me want to eat until the point of physical pain are no longer dead and are no longer being hated, but I embrace the bones I have, because He breathed life into them!
Though I still cannot control my weight, when I look in a mirror and see my bones, I don’t think “I need to hide these,” but instead, I thank God for giving them life, for taking away the brittleness, and for taking away the dryness that was destroying me. Ezekiel also explains how He will supply flesh, tissue, and covering over the bones, so this is where my trust came in, for I trust that He will not only breathe live into them, but supply them with the necessary nutrients that they need!
I went from having dry bones to having life endlessly flowing through them, and as I make my way through more years of recovery, I will always thank God for the life He breathes through these bones of mine.
God took these dry bones of mine that I hated beyond belief, and He breathed life into them and gave me hope and a purpose!
I thank God every day for loving me enough to find me worth saving, for breathing life so that I could be free from these chains, and for never leaving me during this time, and He is still here! As I continue to make way down my path, He will be there, and I encourage everyone else to choose the path to recovery, because even though it’s hard, you also grow in your love for Christ, and that gives me joy!
So dry bones, come alive! Refuse to let your bones be dry, because when you let God breath life into them, you profess how faithful the Lord is, you rejoice in Him, and you thank God for the life that is flowing through the bones that were once dead, so ask Him to make you alive again, for all He has to do is breathe, and you’ll come alive!