One Year Of Being Recovered From Something Out of My Control

Here I am; one year later from a time that drove me into pure fear and terror. This fear caused me to isolate myself, to cry every night, and to worrying about death. I would log every single calorie I ate, I would live life on my scale, and I would never stop eating due to having the mentality of “If I stop eating, I will lose weight and become sick.” This was my life for a long time.  

If you have no idea what I am talking about, I wrote about a very personal situation back in July about issues with my doctor about my weight, which caused me to live a year and a half in pure depression, fear, and my joy was stripped away.

To give more insight, I weighed myself over 10 times a day due to thinking I was losing weight every second, my doctor tried sending me five hours away from home to an “inpatient treatment center” for she did not believe me when I told her I wasn’t anorexic. She would scare me into thinking I was I was dying, and my doctor would feed my fears with blood tests, “assumptions” of cancer, assuming that I was starving myself, and with telling me I lost weight when I did not. 

I let this rule my life for a year and a half, but in November of 2016, I realized that I was allowing something out of my control to rule me when I should have been depending on Christ. I gave this issue to Him, I threw out my scale due to it ruling my life, and my joy has now been rejuvenated!

It’s been one year since I first decided to give up my scale, which was not easy to do! I was giving up the one thing I depended on the most, but throwing my scale away was the best thing I ever did. I no longer worry about things that are out of my control, but instead, I am at my happiest point in life! My walk with Christ continues to grow, I don’t allow things to steal my joy away, and I choose to look on the bright side of things!

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

My weight is an issue I cannot personally control, and I have not ever been able to control it. Ever since I was 14, my doctor began to criticize me, think I was starving myself, and this was the road that led me to living a year and a half in pure fear and agony, and I lived it alone.

At one point, my mom caught me when she read my diary/journal. I wrote all of my personal thoughts in there, and she read where my weekly goal was gaining 20 pounds and how I was overeating to reach that goal so my doctor would stop with the threats. I would punish myself if I did not gain twenty pounds in 7 days, and I would eat until my body would say enough. I was tired of the threats and hearing the word “inpatient,” so I thought that if I gained 20 pounds, it would all magically disappear.

My mom also saw how broken I was, how insecure I was, how I was frail, and how I was so scared about losing weight. The thought of losing one pound had me terrified, and my journal included all of my deep thoughts, which she ended up reading.

My mother then had a talk with me, but sadly, it didn’t work or help. I just nodded my head, I acted like talk helped me so we could stop talking about it, but deep down, I was still hurting and battling with something serious, and it was all thanks to the fear tactics. However, like I mentioned before, I gave this up and began to depend on Christ a year ago, and I am so happy now, and I have not weighed myself on my own in 1 year, and I don’t plan on it!

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

Though we are going to have those who want to put fear in us, we must not allow them to win. Satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy, and he will use anything to cause you to fear, worry, and wonder if things are under control.

Sadly, I fell into a weak time, but I have since recovered from that moment of weakness. I allowed the opinion of a person scare me instead of trusting Christ, which resulted in me living in pain.

However, a year makes a huge difference! It’s been a little over 365 days that I’ve had no scale in my house, I deleted all of my weight apps that logged my calories, for I was afraid I was losing weight, and I also stopped overeating for I was afraid that if I stopped eating, I would lose weight and would be sent away to a treatment center. Though I did get scared about my weight in July due to hearing the words “You lost weight,” I refused to become the girl who lived in constant fear, and I continued to trust Christ.

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1:27

This time in my life taught me a lesson; to be stronger in Christ rather than being fearful by those who want to put fear in you. We aren’t all going to have the answers, but God knows them. God made us all in His image, and I let my doctor know that, and even though she laughed at me, I let her know that I was made in His image, and that includes my weight.

I refuse to let my doctor try to diagnose me when there is nothing to diagnose. I may be very small for a 20 year old and my BMI may be very low for a lady my age, but that was all apart of God’s design, so I will not let anyone try to send me off somewhere when I know for a fact that God is in control!

So here’s to one year of living in pure joy! Though I did stumble once at the doctor’s office, I have not allowed one ounce of fear the right to enter my home, I have not allowed a scale back into my home, for the scale is the root that can start my overeating/compulsive eating again, my fear again, my obsession with logging my calories again, and my fear of becoming deathly thin again.

Instead, I have put my entire trust into Christ, for He is the source to all healing. Sometimes, you can’t control your appearance, your weight, or things of that nature, and God made each thing about you in His image, so why worry about the opinions of others? Instead of focusing on what we cannot change, let’s focus on our hearts, which need to be examined to see if there is anything that is not of Christ.

 “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:10

  Our hearts are the one thing that can change when we humble ourselves and ask for change, and that is what we need to focus on more than what the outside shows. The outside may fade away, but the heart doesn’t, so we must make sure our hearts are strong in the Scriptures, are strong in Christ, and are strong in truth, so who cares about my weight when I should care about whether Christ can be seen through me, about whether I am kind and loving to those around me, and about whether I am being Christ-like.

So here’s one year to happiness and trust in Jesus Christ over my weight issue, and I feel so free and joyful! Fear doesn’t have control over me, my weight doesn’t have control over me, and nothing this world says can ever do or change the truth that I know, so why would I let it?

Here’s to 365 days of not having a scale in my house. Here’s to one year that I threw my scale into the trash can, and I did not look back. Here’s to one year that I stopped logging my calories to make sure I wasn’t going below a certain amount. Here’s to one year that I stopped compulsively eating, and here’s to one year that I gave my fears to Christ and trusted Him. 

In November of 2016, I was done with being a prisoner in my own mind, and this past year may have had some trials, but I was joyful, happy, and free even in my times of adversity because I trusted Christ, and I refuse to let fear creep back into my life!

I am not going to lie, I have had temptation of wanting to buy a scale again. Just last Friday, I had that temptation for I worried that I wasn’t eating enough due to college classes, and I began wondering if I lost weight, which caused panic to flood my body. My friend was telling me how a friend of hers has lost 40 pounds in just a short timeframe and is being sent off to a treatment center due to anorexia, and for some reason, her telling me about her friend’s weight loss and her upcoming treatment made me somewhat scared, but God calmed my fears instantly.

 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Whenever I find myself in these moments, I feel the love of God encompass me, and He reminds me to trust Him, and I do! I trust Him, I trust Christ, and I know that He will not lead me into disaster. Though I have temptation at times, I refuse to give in and I refuse to give fear the keys to my heart, for I choose to be free in Christ and not a slave to my fear.

You can be free today and you can make this day your day of freedom if you ask Christ, if you let Him in, and if you let go of your burdens! You don’t have to be a slave to what is holding you down! All you need to do is throw away that thing you are dependent on and trust Christ. Trust me, that first step into freedom is hard, it’s scary, but the moment you take that step, you’ll never look back, and I never looked back.

Let go, and let God!

10 thoughts on “One Year Of Being Recovered From Something Out of My Control

  1. Rest in His goodness and let His faithfulness be your confidence. Congratulations for overcoming! The Lord has made you whole spirit, soul, and even your physical body. You have excellent health in Jesus’ name. Amen. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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