Have you ever wondered where I get my title “Justified and Redeemed” from? Well, I was redeemed from a past of brokenness, sadness, and depression. When I was lost in darkness, I thought there was no way a loving God would save a wretched soul like me, but guess what? He did.
I’m about to show you a very, very broken girl who people thought was far from saving! I had so many people mentor me during this time, and they even said that they thought all hope for me was lost. Imagine having that said to you as you were neck deep into chronic depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety!
My life before Jesus Christ was pure agony! My parents were God-fearing believers, but I wasn’t. Honestly, before I accepted Christ, I hated the idea of going to church. Before I opened my heart up to Jesus, I always begged to stay home from church, I thought it was way too long, I thought it was boring, and I also didn’t like going because I would always feel like the messages were for me and were “calling me out.”
Before I accepted Christ, whenever someone began talking about Jesus, I would roll my eyes, I would leave the room, and I would drown them out with listening to really loud music through my headphones.
As I continued on, I fell deep into chronic depression, which plagued my life for a long time. This depression set into the depths of my soul and my heart, which caused me to spiral out of control.
My parents began taking me to many people wondering what was wrong with me. I was a fairly happy girl before, but now I was a girl who was depressed, sad, and who cried all of the time. I went through much counseling and had many people mentor me, but they all said the same thing. “She’s far gone into the depths of her pain.”
About 3 years into my depression, I was almost 13 years old. By this time, I was so broken, so shattered, and so negative! Whenever someone mentioned Jesus, I would always tell them “I’m good.” The truth was, was that I thought I wasn’t worthy! I had so much baggage, so much brokenness, and I thought that I wasn’t worthy of the grace of God.
I had a few people try to breakthrough to me and to try to show me that Christ died for me, that He loved me, and that God loves me, but I didn’t believe it! I felt too much guilt, and I thought that my past made me unqualified for the love of God.
Two months before I accepted Christ, I tried to commit suicide. A lot of people are shocked when they hear about a girl who was almost 13 trying to kill herself. The depression was so chronic, my brokenness was so bad, and I was tired of feeling worthless! The feeling of worthlessness was the feeling I woke up with and the feeling I fell asleep with.
As I stood in my bathroom with a handful of pills in my hand and my suicide note on the bathroom counter, I looked in the mirror, and I knew that this was it; however, I wasn’t alone in that bathroom. Someone else was in that bathroom with me, and it was God. Right before I took those pills, something stopped me. All I heard was “I love you.”
A lot of people don’t believe me when I tell them that I heard Him, but I know I did, because I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t hear Him. If I didn’t hear His voice, I would have killed myself, I would have thought I was worthless, and I would have thought that no one loved me, but He loved me, and I needed to be told that.
I threw the pills on the floor and I collapsed. The tears that streamed down my face were like a dam that exploded and the water was escaping. As I laid there on the bathroom floor, I still felt unworthy of His love. How could He love ME? How could God love ME? I was about to kill myself, I had chronic depression, and I always rolled my eyes when I heard the mane of Jesus mentioned How could He love ME?
I was stubborn, and I went on my way thinking that I was still worthless, but God never left me, and He continued to deal with my heart. Two months later after that day, He opened my eyes. All of a sudden, I felt love overwhelm me and it was God’s love! I have no idea how to explain it, but I felt His love, and I heard Him tell me “Will you trust me?” His voice was calm, so peaceful, and I broke down crying again.
I remember the conversation I had with God, and it was ever so real. I kept telling Him “But God, I’m not worthy of your grace!” I yelled that out as I sat in bed that night as He was dealing with me, but God then began telling me what Romans 5:8 said.
I kept trying to shake it, trying to tell God that I wasn’t worthy, but He kept telling me that He loved me and that He gave me grace! I sat in bed for an hour battling, but God won, because He was right. It was as if a switch in my heart was turned on, and I realized that Jesus died for me and that my pain could be taken away! God showed me the truth so that I could see how much I was loved.
At this point, I was in so many tears, but I broke down even more! I ran to my mother, and I told her that I wanted Jesus! I remember asking her. “How did I get Jesus? How do I let Him into my heart?” I didn’t know how to do that, and I wanted to know! I wanted to know how to accept Him, how to start a relationship with Him, and I wanted Him.
That night, I gave my life to Jesus Christ! The moment I let Him into my heart, something changed! I can’t explain to you what happened, but something miraculous happened! The chains that were weighing me down were broken and I could feel the physical lifting of my pain. All of my depression was gone and was replaced with living joy!
My lack of desire for Jesus was replaced with a desire to know who He was and more of who He is, and my thoughts of me being worthless was replaced with me embracing and knowing the I am a child of God!
I don’t know if anyone else experienced this, but I felt free! I felt the chains that I was captive in break! I felt a spring of life flowing through my veins, flowing through my body, and I felt that I could finally breathe and live!
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
To all of the people who think they are “too messed up for Jesus,” no you are not! While we were still sinners, Christ still died for us! Trust me, I used to think the same thing about myself. I found myself running from God, when His arms were wide open! He was always there, He never left, and all I had to do was reach my hand out, and He would have grabbed it and pulled me into His refuge.
Last year, my friend shared with me a song that she thought related to my testimony, and it’s called “No Longer Slaves,” and it is powerful, and I want anyone who feels like they are unworthy to listen to it! Please, do so! However, I am pretty sure most have heard the song, but it speaks to me on a personal level! That song put me into pure tears, because I used to be a slave to fear, but guess what? I am now a child of God! To this day, whenever that song comes on, I belt it out, I remember who I used to be and then I realize that I am no longer a slave to that, and that gives me a reason to sing, I reason to rejoice, and a reason to love Him unendingly!
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Giving your life to Christ is the best thing you can do! You think that running away is the answer, but it isn’t. Trust me, I was in your shoes. I ran! I ran so far for I thought I wasn’t worthy, but Jesus was the answer the entire time. Through Jesus’ death and ressurection, we have a way to the Father, and He is willing and just to forgive you of your sins!
All you have to do is humble yourself before Him, and He will make you clean! He will create in you a clean heart, and the freedom that comes with that is amazing, and you will never be able to find true freedom without Him, for true freedom is only found in Christ!
I am a daughter of the Most High God, I am no longer a slave to fear, He split the sea so I could walk right through it, He sent His Son so that I could have a way to Him, and I am loved! I am loved by Him, and I was loved by Him while I was being formed in the womb, and that is a fact!
Give your life to Christ, for He loves you too! He loved you so much that He was beaten, He was crucified, and He was hung on a cross while people laughed at Him! People mocked him, but He did it for YOU, He was spit on, but He did it for YOU!
He loves you, and all you have to do is reach your hand out, and He will grab your hand and take you to a place of freedom! Thank you so much for reading of how I let Jesus into my heart, and I hope that you have found the same joy and truth, and if you are reading this and you used to be like me, stop running, for He loves you and will make you new if you let Him!
“Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
Accept Christ and let Him into your life, and you will experience true freedom, and it is utterly amazing!